Archive for stepfamily

It’s not all about you.

I know that title stings a little. It’s a harsh reality that we better realize quickly. Life is not all about me!!! Remember you are not the only one with feelings. How confused these children must be. Two sets of rules, two sets of parents, five different personalities, including their own. Everything with in them is bound to loyalty issues, their devotion to the birth parent. They love you but don’t want her to see. It pains me when I look in my little boys eyes sometimes. If we are all together at an event for example. When we say our goodbyes he is not sure what to do. I see the conflict in his eyes & it breaks my heart. How horrible that he even has to consider this. He loves me completely but the loyalty he has for his mom, he doesn’t want her to know. Afraid he may hurt her feelings with the love he has for me. Each child handles this differently for him it’s an awkward quick hug & a beautiful smile.

Thankful I see it & understand. I am careful not to ask for too much & I give him plenty of space in these moments. I don’t try to hold him longer or kiss him or make a big production. Again, this is where prospective comes in. It’s not about me. It’s about loving these little people that were entrusted to me & helping them grow up as healthy as possible in a completely dysfunctional world. Everything comes back to your point of view. Perception is your reality & you can choose to write your own. I choose to love freely and give them a little extra grace.

 

Guard your heart Bonus Mom.

As a stepmom (Bonus Mom) you have the possibility of experiencing much pain. There are always going to be arrows thrown at your heart. The best reminder I can give is to keep perspective. In all walks of life this is everything. Your view on the situation determines if you get hurt or not. When the kids don’t tell you goodbye as they run out the door to meet their mom, when they call to tell dad goodnight & never give you a thought. First ask yourself “Why do I need that?” or “Why do I expect that?” The fact that you care is good. It means you love them. The reality is you were happy before these new people graced your life. So why are you all of the sudden needy toward them? I get it trust me. I had to deal with this & ask myself the hard questions.

Truthfully, this is not the way family was designed to be. That is why it hurts. You are giving all this love as if this was your own child but they are not. While they will develop love for you, you are not mom. You have to remember that or you set yourself up for heart break. Loving someone unconditionally means loving them weather you get anything in return or not. I don’t mean allowing someone to disrespect you or abuse you. I just mean you have to check your motives. You give love to give love. Not to get something in return. Remember why you are here. You fell in love with this amazing man who treats you like a queen. Being a bonus mom & sharing life with his children is a small price to pay for the love you get in return. If you are like me, you do what you do for him. Because you adore him & you want to make his life better in every way. Let this be your focus.